


Say My Name

by mollyinthewater



Series: gifts <3 [1]
Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence - Cyberpunk 2077, F/M, Female V (Cyberpunk 2077), Johnny Silverhand Has a Body, Kerry Eurodyne is a Good Friend, Kinda, Light Angst, Love Triangle but not really, Soft Johnny Silverhand, V's Name is Jaxton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 03:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30065631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mollyinthewater/pseuds/mollyinthewater
Summary: After Mikoshi, Johnny finally has his own body, now living in Night City. Meanwhile, Jaxton has now moved to the Badlands, becoming a nomad. After going through so much together, Johnny begins to realize that he's falling for Jaxton. Jaxton once felt the same way too, but now she wasn't sure, focusing more on her current output, River.Except when Jaxton says Johnny's name in her sleep one night. Now, everything's changing, for better or worse.
Relationships: Johnny Silverhand/V, Kerry Eurodyne & Johnny Silverhand, V/River Ward
Series: gifts <3 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2211939
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	Say My Name

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kilcigh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kilcigh/gifts).



> this story is for kilvigh on tumblr! thank you so much for giving me this prompt <3
> 
> p.s. i love you, river, i'm sorry for (kinda) hurting you.

“Dude, are you seriously just gonna lay there and whine about ‘er the whole time?”

Johnny looked over at Kerry, giving him not a glare, but rather a simple, annoyed look that burned lightly within his dark brown eyes. Kerry responded to that with a shrug, taking a sip of the whiskey in his glass, and Johnny in return looked away and stared back up at the ceiling, laying down on Kerry’s couch. He ran his organic hand over his face frustratedly. 

“Don’t know what I’m doin’, Kerry,” Johnny sighed out. Kerry, who was sitting on the couch opposite to him, raised an eyebrow, putting down his drink and picking his guitar back up. Its blue and white exterior shined under the soft lights of Kerry’s living room as the man absentmindedly plucked at the strings.

“Really? ‘Cuz I think you’re sittin’ on my couch and actin’ like I’m your fuckin’ therapist,” Kerry replied. Johnny gave him a real glare this time, squinting his eyes slightly.

“You know what I mean, asshole,” the former rocker said, though there was no real bite to his words. He looked down at his chest and grabbed his necklace, the pendant with the bullet suspended in it. Well, it was technically Jaxton’s necklace, but she had given it to him once he had been given his own body. Said that she’d keep the dog tags, he’d keep the bullet, and now they were “even,” some shit like that.

Johnny held the pendant between his thumb and his forefinger, staring at it almost curiously. He never took it off, not even when he took a shower or went to sleep. Kerry glanced up at him, noticing the way he was gazing at the necklace, and a somewhat pitiful look came upon his face.

“Jesus, Johnny. You really got it bad for her, huh?” Kerry asked, pausing the song that he had been strumming. Johnny answered with a groan, dropping the necklace back down against his tank top and making himself sit up.

“I don’t fuckin’ know,” Johnny said, confliction clear on his face as he rested his elbows on his thighs. “I mean, we were together for _so_ long, twenty-four goddamn seven.”

“Uh-huh. And that means…?”

“Shit like that does somethin’ to you,” Johnny succinctly explained, not willing to say anymore. Kerry gave him a thoughtful look, a small smirk on his face.

“Like makin’ you fall in love?” he asked before setting down his bass again next to him. Johnny nearly grimaced at his words, running his chrome hand through his hair. Saying something like _that_ out loud made him feel even more stressed and confused about everything.

“Fuck, don’t say that,” Johnny told him, taking a drink of his own glass of alcohol. He would have much preferred a smoke at the moment, but he was trying to cut down his cig intake, orders from none other than Jaxton herself. Told him that he should try not to fuck up his new body, so maybe he should quit chain-smoking. Didn’t mean that he didn’t take a drag every now and then, though.

Kerry rubbed a hand on his forehead, eyes closing in a somewhat wince. “I think all your mixed signals are givin’ me a migraine,” he said as he rubbed at his right temple before picking up a loose smoke on the table and lighting it. Johnny looked down at the drink still in his hand, tilting the glass back and forth slightly so that the dark bronze liquid within it swirled in place.

“Not, uh… Christ, not tryin’ to annoy you or anythin’,” Johnny muttered out, his left foot tapping against the ground. He was trying, he really was, to be a better friend to Kerry than he had been all those years ago. Honestly, he had set the bar pretty low, but still, it didn’t mean that he didn’t want to try to be somewhat of a good friend.

“It’s–it’s fine, Johnny, really. If you were buggin’ me, I woulda kicked your gonk ass outta here twenty minutes ago,” Kerry dismissed, waving a hand towards him before putting the cig in his mouth. He inhaled deeply, Johnny giving him a nod in response to his words but still staring down at the drink. Kerry exhaled, a small cloud of smoke leaving his mouth.

“So, you got a plan?” Kerry asked. Johnny looked up at him, furrowing his eyebrows at the singer.

“A plan?”

“Yeah, a way to swoon Jaxton, some shit like that. Know it’s been a long time, but I’m sure you still have some of that, uh,” Kerry paused, snickering a little, _“special touch_ in you.”

Johnny sighed, setting down his drink on the coffee table roughly enough that it made a soft bang. “Can’t exactly do that, Kerry,” he said before leaning back against the couch, his jaw tightening slightly. “She’s with someone.”

“Well, shit,” Kerry cursed, sounding a little surprised. “Johnny Silverhand havin’ competition? That’s a first.”

“The first is that the guy’s a fuckin’ _badge,”_ Johnny spat out. Not at Kerry, though, but just at the whole situation in general. Mainly because as much as he wanted to hate River, he truly couldn’t. He had seen the way that the detective had treated Jaxton, the way he looked at her and talked to her. It had been obvious back then that the guy was head over heels for her, and he was pretty decent overall, especially for a cop. Johnny really had been a little glad that Jaxton had found someone during all the shit with the biochip.

He just wished that it had been him instead.

“Ouch,” Kerry breathed out, the word sounding like a form of condolence. Johnny mumbled a “yeah” under his breath, resting his metal arm on the top of the couch cushions behind him. He glanced over at the bar to his left, practically burning a hole in one of the alcohol bottles on display. 

Kerry gave the other man a sympathetic look, taking one last drag of his cig before putting it out on the ashtray on the table and leaning forward. “Look, Johnny, I’m not exactly the most qualified person to be givin’ you advice about shit like this, but I think the best thing for you to do is to just have a goddamn conversation with her.”

Johnny put his attention back on his friend, an incredulous expression taking over his face as he stared into Kerry’s blue eyes. “You want me to what, Kerry, fuck up whatever the hell it is that we have now and tell her that all of a sudden I got feelings for her? That she should leave her new output and date a guy who’s been dead for the past fifty fuckin’ years? The guy who used to be her _goddamn brain parasite?”_ Johnny chuckled, the noise thick with sarcasm. “Priceless.”

He then immediately picked his drink back up, chugging the rest of the whiskey left before slamming it back down on the table. The bitter liquid left a slight burn in his throat, but he didn’t show it, not a trace of pain on his face. Physical pain, at least.

Kerry leaned back again, grabbing his guitar and shaking his head slightly. “... man, maybe you _do_ need a therapist.”

“Shut the hell up.”

  
  


* * *

The shot from Jaxton’s gun rang out loudly in the desert. The Scav in front of her instantly dropped, blood pooling out of him and onto the tan ground, the sand slowly soaking up the metallic liquid like a sponge. She gave the area one last look around, seeing nothing but littered corpses and dying plants, before looking over to River a few feet away and giving him a nod. It was confirmed: the job was officially over.

The two put their irons away, River beginning to walk over to the truck as Jaxton sent Dakota a quick text about the job being completed. She was lucky that Dakota was okay with River coming along with jobs every now and then, even if he was no longer technically a part of the NCPD. She still had her moments, some temporary effects of the removal of the biochip, so it was good to have someone by her side when she was out on jobs.

Besides, Jaxton and River were a couple. It was nice to spend as much time together as they could. River never really had a set schedule or anything close since he was a private investigator, getting jobs at random, like Jaxton. It didn’t mean that they weren’t able to spend time together outside of work, but still, it was a good excuse.

Jaxton soon joined River, leaving the gang members’ bodies and getting into the Thorton. She ran a hand through her short, black hair, fixing it a little as River drove off. Dakota soon texted her back, already sending over the payments to her and River.  
  
“Nice work back there,” River quietly spoke, breaking their silence. Jaxton looked over at him, flashing him a small smile.

“Could say the same to you. Looks like you’re gettin’ used to these jobs,” Jaxton told him, her voice friendly. The sunshine shone brightly from the car window and onto her face, highlighting her freckles and making her gray eyes appear lighter than usual. 

“What can I say? I’m a fast learner,” River said, a charming smile on his face as he shrugged slightly. Jaxton breathed out a laugh at that, crossing her arms as she turned away and looked out into the empty desert.

That was how most conversations between the couple went. A few words back and forth and silence quickly following. It was like a cycle, repeating itself over and over again. Jaxton had noticed it soon enough and tried her best to ignore it.

It wasn’t like she wasn’t happy, though. She and River’s relationship was nice, comforting in a way. When she had first met him all those weeks ago, she never would have thought that she would fall for him, let alone River to do the same. He was a cop, she was a merc that had a death sentence; they were opposites, but maybe that was why they had attracted to each other.

At first, Jaxton wasn’t even sure if she liked River like that. Yes, he was kind and had a charming smile and was handsome as all hell, but…

She had been with Johnny for so long already. Spending so much time with him, getting to know him better and the two of them growing closer confused her, to say the least. She had thought that maybe she was starting to feel something for him, but she never really knew. She wasn’t the best with getting in touch with her emotions, having a hard time showing them, and even understanding them for herself.

But when Jaxton got together with River for the hell of it, Johnny never really seemed mad. Sure, he had made sarcastic comments about her making him fuck a cop, but he never spoke more about it. He just seemed like he didn’t care that much.

After that, the merc pushed away any thoughts of having feelings for the rocker. It was obvious that he didn’t feel that way, but River clearly did, so she saw what was in front of her and grabbed it without a second thought.

Now here she was, a nomad, of all things, and dating River Ward, private investigator and ex-cop. After everything with Mikoshi and being able to bring Johnny back, Jaxton knew that she needed a break from all the craziness within Night City. Living in the Badlands was different to say the least, way fucking different than Heywood, that’s for sure, but she was slowly getting used to it. 

Besides, she had Panam to help her along the way. Jaxton and the Aldecaldo had been through a lot together, so they were quite good friends already. Jaxton was grateful for any help she could get when it came to all this and it was nice to visit Panam now and then. She’d even stay at the camp overnight sometimes if River was out on a job at night.

Of course, right now, both River and Jaxton were free for the rest of the night and were able to spend it together. She had lost count of how long the drive had been, but soon enough they arrived at River’s house. After quitting the force, River had moved out of his Night City apartment into a quaint house in the Badlands so that he could be closer to Joss and her kids. The place wasn’t extremely modern, but there was something cozy and homey about it that Jaxton admired, similar to her new home, which was a little far away, but still within a good distance.

The dirt crunched under Jaxton’s shoes as she got out of the car, River ahead of her. The air smelled better over here, much cleaner and fresher than with the stench of dead bodies lying around. Besides that, it was as earthy as always, yet another strong contrast to Night City and its usual scent of smoke and various foodstuffs.

River opened the front door, walking in and turning on the lights. Jaxton was right behind him, closing the door and taking a deep breath. Air conditioner, thank fucking god. It was always hot as hell during the day and at night it was freezing, so she was sure that she had never been more grateful for the invention in her entire life.

It was still quiet as the couple did their usual routine, River heating up some jambalaya he had made the other day as Jaxton set the table—not like there was much to set, just simple plates and utensils. There was yet another thing that Jaxton liked about River: his cooking. He was damn good at it, Jaxton knowing that ever since she had gone over to Joss’ and had a somewhat of a first date with him. It seemed like a nice hobby of his, something that was good at distracting him from any stress of his work.

The smell of warm spices and savory tomatoes filled the air as the two sat down to eat. The cycles repeated once again, River and Jaxton talking here and there but unable to hold any full conversation. And it’s not like that seemed too different or bad for couples, but there was something wrong about it, Jaxton could tell. There was a strange feeling in her shoulders, a voice in the back of her head telling her how awkward it was. She pushed it away, though, knowing that she was probably just analyzing everything too much.

“Jax, uh,” River started speaking, breaking the thick silence. Jaxton looked up from her bowl of food, hiding her concern at River’s serious tone. “Can we talk?”

Well, shit. That couldn’t be a good thing, right? They were already talking—not very much, but still—so asking if they could talk didn’t mean “Can we talk?” but instead “Can we have _a_ talk,” a talk about something that made River’s face more stoic than usual and yet slightly conflicted at the same time.

“Uh, yeah, sure. What’s up?” Jaxton asked, trying to act as nonchalant as she could. She set her spoon down in the bowl and folded her arms on the table, giving River her full attention. A weird feeling washed over her, one that was cold and made her feel like some little gonk kid in trouble, as her boyfriend scratched the back of his neck, seeming like he was trying to figure out how to say whatever it was he wanted to talk about. 

“Look, I… it might just be me, but…” Jaxton wasn’t sure if she had ever seen River hesitate so much with his words. It felt like he was trying to rip a bandaid off and he was doing it painfully slow. “Are we okay?”

_Fuck._ Jaxton knew that she had noticed something off, but she didn’t want to actually be fucking right. 

“What do you mean?” Jaxton’s fingers tapped mutely against the table surface as she stared back into River’s slightly distressed face. She wanted to hear what he thought about everything first before jumping to any conclusions.

“Jax, I know that you’ve been through a lot this past month and that… _all_ of that was hell for you, but it just feels like… I dunno, fuck.” River paused for a moment, his jaw clenching a little as he shifted in his seat. He didn’t really seem angry, just unsure of how to talk to Jaxton about all of this. She didn’t blame him. “That you’ve been distant lately?”

And there it was. Though Jaxton hadn’t believed that she was the one who was being distant, the more she thought about the past few weeks, the more she realized how right he was and how wrong she wished that he was instead.

“River–” 

“Not tryin’ to upset you or anything, you know that,” River calmly cut her off, noticing the small but clear frustration in her tone. All thoughts were leading Jaxton to feel defensive, even if she knew that she shouldn’t be. She just knew that she did _not_ want to be having this fucking convo. “Just… be straight with me, will you? Is there something goin’ on that I should know about? That’s… that’s hurtin’ us?”

“Of course not,” Jaxton softly exclaimed, tension growing in her shoulders. She could feel her walls building and building, her fingers clenching halfway into a fist. “River, I…”

And then she stopped. Jaxton’s sentence trailed off and she let out a sigh. She’d been trying to not do things like this, to stop being so damn defensive. It’d always been so easy for her to just retreat into the feeling, but she knew that it wasn’t what was right. It may have taken her almost dying to finally start working on it, but at least she was there now.

River did seem to have a point. Maybe? Probably. Everything had been so fucking crazy, maybe Jaxton was still dealing with it all without even realizing it. Things like Mikoshi popped into her head once in a while, but they never flooded her thoughts. 

But still. 

“You’re right,” Jaxton finally said, her voice losing its bite. She found it a little hard to keep her gray eyes focused on his brown and chrome one as she spoke. “About Mikoshi, all that. Think I’m still tryin’ to process everything.” Her face twisted into a sort of grimace, the merc wishing that she could stop talking then and there but feeling as though she _had_ to go on. “Never been too good at this kinda shit, Riv… talkin’ about stuff like this. But the way I’m feelin’ right now has _nothing_ to do with you or anything about us. It’s just shit that I gotta figure out.”

She didn’t say it, but the word _“alone”_ hung heavily in the air at the end of her sentence.

“Well, I’m here.” River’s organic hand reached out to her right one, gingerly holding it. He gave her a kind smile, seeming to understand how difficult it was for her to be talking about this. “If you ever do wanna talk, then I’ll be there to listen.”

“I know.” Jaxton smiled back, squeezing his hand. At long last, it felt like the talk was over. Thank Christ.

Jaxton’s eyes flickered to hers and River’s bowls. His was empty, and while she still had a bit of jambalaya left in hers, her appetite was well gone by now. She took a deep breath before sliding her hand out of the man’s soft grip, standing up. She quickly grabbed the bowls and put them in the sink behind River.

“Now, c’mon,” Jaxton spoke, walking right in front of River and leaning down to give him a kiss. He leaned into it instantly, but just as soon as she had touched his lips, Jaxton pulled away, trailing her fingers down his left arm and gently tugging on his forearm. “Let’s go clean up.”

She ended the sentence with a wink, and River’s smile grew mischievous as he stood up and allowed his girlfriend to lead him to the bathroom.

  
  


* * *

The door closed inaudibly behind River as he returned to his bedroom. Broken pieces of moonlight streamed in between the blinds of the window, giving him enough light to not worry about bumping into anything as he lay back down in bed with Jaxton.

It was the middle of the night, the house deadly silent. River had woken up for some inexplicable reason, but a few minutes later, he soon had to go to the bathroom. Now, though, his eyelid was beginning to droop as he snuck back under the covers. Once he was settled, he turned a little towards his girlfriend, reaching over with both hands with the intention to hold her as he fell back asleep when–

_“Johnny.”_

River froze, his eye widening. Jaxton’s soft lips stayed parted for a moment longer, her eyelids remaining closed but fluttering as she slept.

River pulled his hands away from his input, looking like he had been burned by the whispered word. He muttered a curse under his breath, rubbing his face with his chrome hand. A mix of emotions was evident on his face, ranging from the small amount of anger to the larger one of disappointment. 

After a few minutes of simply staring at the wall opposite to him, River reached over to the bedside table next to him. He picked up his phone, and the bright screen didn’t even faze him as he opened up his contacts.

  
  


* * *

For once fortune seemed to favor Johnny because if Kerry had any neighbors that were less than a few miles away, he knew that someone would’ve already called the cops on him and the way he was loudly banging on Kerry’s front door. He was tempted to knock with his chrome hand to be louder, but with the intense emotions surging through his body currently, he believed that he would make a dent in the door if he did that.

“Kerry, I swear to god, if you don’t open this door right fuckin’ now–”

The door swung open, Johnny’s hand freezing mid-knock as he was met face-to-face with Kerry, who was pointing iron right at his chest. His white hair was a little messy, the man looking like he had most definitely been asleep a few seconds ago. Johnny doubted sometimes if the man ever slept, and if he did, if it was ever at night and rather just some random time during the day. But now, at two in the morning, Kerry apparently had to prove him wrong.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Johnny,” Kerry breathed out, lowering his gun. His bare chest rose and fell heavily, the singer only wearing a pair of light grey sweatpants and allowing the soft light of the moon to highlight his golden chrome implants. He leaned a little against the door frame, shaking his head and glancing over to his security robots. “Should just let the bots shoot your damn ass.”

“But you won’t,” Johnny said before walking past Kerry and into the villa. Kerry gave him a confused look, shutting the door and pressing his lips into a thin line.

“Oh yeah, sure, walk in here like this is your pad.” Johnny rubbed the back of his neck at Kerry’s words, staring at the expensive piano in front of him for a moment before turning around.

“Not like I wanted to wake you up like this, Ker, but it’s an emergency,” Johnny told him, the other man moving away from the door and in front of him. He crossed his arms, squinting his blue eyes at Johnny.

“And by that d’you mean a real emergency or a ‘help, Kerry, I can’t get my dick up’ emergency again, ‘cuz if you’re comin’ over here in the middle of the damn night for some gonk shit like that–”

“You seriously have to bring that up, choom?” Johnny interrupted, cringing at the memory. Having a new body had certain _consequences_ , at least in the beginning. Kerry gave him a pointed look before walking away, going to the living room to the left. Johnny gave out a small huff before following. “And no, it’s not like that, you dick. Wouldn’t have come by this late unless it was serious.”

Kerry sat down on the closest sofa, stretching out his legs and laying them out so that his bare feet were resting on the open spot on his coffee table. A book sat near his feet, still open and left on a page that was covered with what seemed to be lyrics. Along with that, the already turned on lights and a glass of what seemed to be tequila, Johnny figured that Kerry had fallen asleep while working on some songs.

“... alright, Johnny, lay it on me,” Kerry murmured, yawning a little at the end of his sentence. Johnny sat down to his right, letting out a sigh.

“It’s Jaxton,” Johnny said, brushing a strand of black hair that was too short to be a part of his ponytail behind his ear.

“She okay?” Concern popped up on Kerry’s face, causing him to wake up a bit more.

“Yeah, yeah, she’s fine. It’s not like that,” Johnny dismissed his worry. 

“Then what _is_ it like?” Kerry asked, clearly wanting Johnny to just get to the point already. Johnny’s jaw tightened a little as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, opening up his messages before holding it out to the other man.

“Just fuckin’–look,” Johnny frustratedly said. Kerry raised an eyebrow at him before taking the phone. He looked at it for a moment before rolling his eyes, the corners of his mouth curling up ever so slightly.

“... ‘Detective Dickhole?’” Kerry read off the contact name, his voice full of amusement. “Lemme guess, Jaxton’s output.”

“Yep,” Johnny answered, popping the “p” at the end of the word, “now read the rest.”

**[Detective Dickhole]**

**Hey, Johnny.**

**We gotta talk.**

**[Johnny]**

**Don't know if you noticed but it's**

**currently ass o'clock.**

**[Detective Dickhole]**

**I gotta talk to you about Jaxton.**

**[Johnny]**

**Fuck. She hurt?**

**[Detective Dickhole]**

**No.**

**Not like I want to be talking to you about**

**this, but listen. Everything’s been pretty**

**off lately between Jaxton and me. I thought**

**it was just everything that happened**

**with you and the chip but… I don’t think**

**so anymore.**

**[Johnny]**

**Okay. And why the hell you telling**

**me this shit like we're pals or**

**something?**

**[Detective Dickhole]**

**Because my girlfriend said your name**

**while she was asleep.**

**Make of that want you want, but I know**

**that something’s going on between you**

**two, whether it’s intentional or not. So**

**figure it the fuck out.**

Kerry’s face was serious after reading the texts. He gave the phone back to Johnny before softly saying, “Well… shit.”

“I know.”

“So she might… huh.”

“I know,” Johnny repeated, bouncing his leg a little and staring at the bottle of booze on the table. He rubbed his face with his organic hand, his mouth taut in a small frown. He had already been awake when River had messaged him, having trouble falling asleep, and after reading those texts, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep for the rest of the night.

“Had no idea that they were like this,” Johnny continued, “that everything was so goddamn bad between them. Jax doesn’t talk about that kinda shit.” Surprisingly, Jaxton was more open than ever now after everything. When Johnny had been in her head, he knew almost everything she ever felt or thought about, but now, he missed out on more and more. Still, she had spoken to him a few times about some things, never going into much detail, but just that small amount of openness said a lot to Johnny about their current relationship and how far Jaxton’s come.

Kerry nodded, glancing over at Johnny. “So whaddya gonna do?”

“No fuckin’ idea. I mean… shit, y’think her sayin’ my name… does that even mean anything?” When River had texted him that, he first thought it was nothing, but the more he thought about it, the more it felt like _everything._ And the fact that things were weird between Jaxton and River; did that mean that Johnny even had a chance?

“Hell if I know,” Kerry said, shrugging. 

“Christ,” Johnny muttered before sighing. He thought that he would’ve killed to get an opening like this but in the moment? It almost felt like it was making things worse. At this point, it was like Johnny was being pulled back and forth, and though he knew at this point that he really had fallen for Jaxton, he still felt so goddamn confused.

“Really have changed, haven’t you?” Kerry spoke up after a moment of silence, a small smile on his face. Johnny looked over at him, knitting his dark eyebrows together. “The Johnny Silverhand I knew fifty years ago would’ve gone straight to Jaxton without a second thought, and ‘specially without askin’ for my opinion. Maybe you would’ve even given that cop a good punch or two while you were at it.”

Johnny breathed out a mix of a scoff and a laugh at that, though it wasn’t that strong. He looked away, his eyes catching the guitar on the couch opposite to him. “... I’m tryin’.”

Kerry put a hand on his shoulder, Johnny’s dark brown eyes meeting his earnest blue ones. “Don’t fuck this up, Johnny,” Kerry told him, his voice lacking any sort of humor or sarcasm.

“And how the hell do I do that?”

“Talk to her, for fuck’s sake.” Kerry squeezed Johnny’s shoulder before letting go, taking his legs off of the coffee table and leaning forward. He grabbed the bottle of tequila and poured a little more into his glass. “Never gonna know if you don’t give it a shot.”

Johnny took a deep breath and forced himself not to ask for a drink.

Not yet, anyway.

  
  


* * *

“You think we should _what?”_

Jaxton stood frozen in the kitchen, having been getting her stuff together so that she could go start a new job that Dakota had for her. Now, however, her work was far from her mind, everything distant except for the man standing in front of her.

“Doesn’t have to be permanent or anything, but I think that some space between us would be good,” River said, his voice soft but dreadfully serious at the same time. The last time Jaxton had heard him speak like this was after she had told him about her plans with Mikoshi. “You said it yourself, Jax. You need to figure everything out, and maybe until you do, we shouldn’t…”

“Fuck, River, I–when I said that, I didn’t mean that we should fuckin’ break up or some shit.” Jaxton’s words tumbled over each other, nervous energy bubbling within her. Jesus, she didn’t think that River would take what she said _that_ way, that she wanted to end things with him. Otherwise, she would’ve kept her mouth fucking shut.

“I know you didn’t,” River said, his voice calm but sounding as if there was something he was holding back from saying. 

“It’s just–” A ringing interrupted Jaxton and her gray eyes turned to a bright orange as she looked at the top left corner of her vision. “Shit, Johnny’s callin’ me,” she said, her irritation obvious.

At the mention of Johnny’s name, River shifted a little from where he was leaning against the kitchen countertop. He crossed his arms, an unfamiliar expression coming up on his face. “You can answer it,” River told her, sounding strangely monotone and almost as annoyed as Jaxton was.

“What?” Jaxton questioned, her nose scrunching up a little as she noticed the weird change in River. “No, fuck that, we’re talkin’ right now.” She declined the call from Johnny before closing her eyes for a moment, letting out a sigh. Fuck. She had to fix this.

“River, I like what we have,” Jaxton said as she took a few steps towards River, closing most of the space between them but still keeping a few inches of distance. This close to him, she had to look up ever so slightly due to their height difference. “And I don’t want my shit to be the reason why it has to end.”

“Doesn’t gotta end.” River had lost his momentary rough tone, going back to his usual gruff yet gentle voice. “I’ll still be here, waitin’. If you don’t wanna get back together, that’s fine, and if you do, then that’s good, too.”

Jaxton stared up into his eyes, for some reason lacking the energy to argue any further about any of this. She looked away, but when River’s chrome hand took her organic one and held it, she couldn’t help but stare back at him.

“I care about you, Jax. I’ll be here for you no matter what, you know that, right?”

Jaxton nodded, remaining mute as she pulled her hand out of his light grasp. She turned and grabbed her small bag off of the kitchen table before giving River one last look. She couldn’t tell if she was doing a good job—hell, if she was even attempting—at hiding the guilt in her eyes, but deep in her chest, she knew that she wasn’t. “Call you in a few days. Bye, River.”

“Bye.”

And with that, Jaxton left.

The sun was too fucking bright as the merc walked to her car, having called it to River’s place earlier. She opened the door to the driver’s seat, carelessly throwing her bag into the back before getting into the vehicle and slamming the door behind her.

“Fuck…” Jaxton cursed, taking a couple of deep breaths. She made herself turn on the car, not wanting to stay at River’s any longer and soon driving away.

Shit. What the hell just happened? Did she and River actually just break up?

He said that that wasn’t what he meant, but that’s what it felt like. With the way things had been lately between the two of them, a part of Jaxton thought that maybe it was the right thing to do. Of course she liked being with River, but what if it was for the best? Maybe River needed someone else.

Maybe _she_ needed someone else.

Suddenly, Jaxton’s eyes widened, the woman remembering Johnny’s missed call. She cursed once more before quickly ringing him on the holo. It only took a few seconds for the former musician’s face to pop up in her view.

“Hey, Johnny, sorry about that, I was… busy. What’s up?” Jaxton said, trying her best to push away her current feelings about everything that had just happened with River.

“That’s fine,” Johnny told her, giving her a small smile. Fuck, it was good to hear his voice again, to _see_ him again. When was the last time they had even talked? Sure, they texted frequently, but they didn’t really call. And right now, hearing Johnny’s voice and seeing his face brought Jaxton an amount of comfort that greatly surprised her. “I was wonderin’ if you can come by. Wanna talk to you ‘bout something.”

Jaxton’s grip on the steering wheel tightened as she glanced away from the holo and towards the empty desert, Johnny’s words all too close to River’s from last night. “Jesus _fuck,_ everybody wants to talk to me about something lately, huh?” 

“... what the hell are you talkin’ about?” Johnny asked, giving her a puzzled look. Jaxton looked back at him, realizing what she had said and letting out a small groan.

“Ugh, sorry, it’s not you.” Her voice was laced with frustration, the merc unable to stop thinking about the convo with River. “Just… shit with River.” She didn’t walk to be talking about any of it, especially not until she knew whether or not their relationship was over.

“Trouble in paradise I’m assumin’?” Johnny said, his words more sincere than Jaxton would have expected them to be.

“Oh, it’s something like that,” Jaxton breathed out. She shook her head a little, wanting to change to the subject. “So, this thing you wanna talk to me about, it ain’t something you can tell me right now?”

“Could be, but I’d rather be up and personal for this.”

“‘Up and personal?’ The hell you tryin’ to say, Johnny?” Jaxton asked, squinting at the man and her voice catching a more playful tone.

“Just thinkin’ that you prolly miss seein’ my pretty face,” Johnny answered, the man wearing a shit-eating grin. “C’mon, tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re wrong,” Jaxton said without missing a beat.

“And you’re still a shit liar.” Jaxton rolled her eyes at that, letting out a surprised scoff. “Might not be inside your head anymore, but I can read you like an open book, princess.”

“You fuckin’ wish,” Jaxton pointedly told him, a smile on her face. She let out a laugh—god, she _missed_ this—before saying, “Tell me when and where.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Johnny said in his usual cocky voice, causing Jaxton to feel tempted to roll her eyes again. “My place, Friday night. Can you be there?”

Jaxton nodded, hoping that whatever Johnny wanted to talk to her about would be a good distraction from everything. “Yeah, I’ll be there, Johnny.”

“Preem.” Johnny gave her one of his usual, charming smiles, and Jaxton swore that her heart almost skipped a beat at the sight. Damn Johnny and his never-ending flirty behavior and damn her for always getting flustered by it one way or another. “See you then, Jax.”

“Later.”

Once the call ended, Jaxton took a deep breath. She couldn’t help but bite her lip the tiniest bit before deciding to pull over, driving the car onto the sand and making sure not to hit any of the larger plants.

Fuck the job. She could be a little later than expected, it didn’t really matter. Jaxton just needed a second, a second to _think._

After ten minutes of just sitting there, Jaxton continued driving.

* * *

As Jaxton sat on the couch at Johnny’s apartment, she noticed how the place didn’t smell strongly of cigarettes. The smokey scent was still there, but lighter than the woman would have expected. Maybe Johnny had followed her advice about not smoking too much after all.

The man sat next to her, holding a glass of whiskey after muttering something about needing a drink once she had walked in. If Jaxton didn’t know any better, she would’ve sworn that Johnny seemed almost nervous about something.

“So,” Johnny spoke, taking a sip of his drink, “things not goin’ too smooth with the badge?”

And of course that’s how Johnny had to start this off.

“Ex-badge, Johnny,” Jaxton corrected. Johnny simply shrugged in response, immediately taking another drink of the booze before setting it down on the small coffee table. “And… no not really.” Jaxton didn’t see any point in lying since she had already mentioned it to him back when he had called her a few days ago.

“It’s… it’s complicated, okay? Don’t really wanna talk about it,” she quickly said before crossing her legs and giving Johnny an accusing look. “How ‘bout we talk about what it is that _you_ wanted to say, instead?”

“Well, whatever the hell’s goin’ on between you two is part of the reason why I called,” Johnny told her.

Jaxton stared at him for a few moments, furrowing her eyebrows. “... what? The fuck are you talkin’ about?”

“Your boyfriend texted me.” Johnny glanced away for a moment, pausing before letting out a sigh and looking back into Jaxton’s gray eyes. “Told me you said my name while you were sleepin’ the other night.”

“I…” Jaxton was speechless for a minute, registering what Johnny said. “Shit!” she exclaimed, looking away from Johnny. _“That’s_ why he was actin’ so fuckin’ weird. Dammit, River. Why didn’t he say anything?” No wonder River got so on edge when Jaxton had mentioned Johnny calling her. River was never the jealous type, but did he really think that something was going on between the two of them?

She couldn’t remember all too well, but Jaxton was pretty sure that she had actually had a dream with Johnny in it that night. About what, she didn’t know, but something like that was honestly normal. After everything with the biochip, her dreams were usually too fucking real or in some way included Johnny, sometimes still dreaming about his memories. 

But that meant nothing, right? Fuck, River should’ve _talked_ to her about this, not just texted Johnny. Then again, he probably would’ve known how pissed she would’ve acted if he’d tried to talk to her about this and she preferred to not fight about something this stupid.

Shit. Is that what River meant by wanting space between them, because of that? Or was it a mix of everything, something even bigger?

“Wait… so _that’s_ why you wanted to talk to me?” Jaxton asked, bringing her attention back to Johnny. “‘Cuz I said your name while I was asleep?” She found it a little hard to believe that Johnny would take this so seriously.

“Hey, it was _your_ output who suggested I talk to you ‘bout it. But I mean, ain’t like it’s the first time someone’s had a dream starrin’ me…”

“Jesus, Johnny, get off it,” Jaxton bit out, not wanting to hear any fucking jokes about any of this. “We spent _weeks_ together, never really havin’ a single goddamn moment of privacy. ‘Course that’s gonna fuck with me in some way.”

“Could say the same thing myself,” Johnny told her before picking up his glass and finishing the rest of his drink. Jaxton scoffed at that, a bitter smile on her face.

“Oh yeah? Sayin’ you’re havin’ dreams about me, too, loverboy?”

“Jax… fuck, I’m not good at this.” Johnny ran his organic hand through his hair, staring down at his now empty drink. Jaxton wondered if he was considering getting some more, or if she should ask for a goddamn drink herself. Fuck knows she probably needed one.

“Not good at what?” Jaxton said, impatience bleeding into her tone. She needed to call River, right? To talk to him about this, explain everything.

“I… I’ve fucked up a lot of things in my life.”

“And you managed not to fuck up what we have,” Jaxton interrupted, her tone growing a little soft at the memory of Johnny saying something just like that back when they had found what was left of his body. Jesus, when he had said all of that to her… she had really thought that they had a chance. “I know, Johnny, we’ve had this convo before.”

“But it wasn’t like _this,”_ Johnny said a little exasperatedly. He looked back at Jaxton, pausing before continuing. “What I mean is that every relationship I’ve ever been, I screwed it up one way or another. Never spoke my mind, said what I felt. Know why? ‘Cuz I’m shit at it, always have been. But now… fuck. I’m tryin’ to stop fuckin’ up.”

“What are you…?” Jaxton stared into Johnny’s dark brown eyes, eyes that she would always recognize in a heartbeat, and suddenly realized what he was trying to say. Her own eyes widened, her mouth gaping slightly as she couldn’t believe what was happening. “No. No, we’re not doin’ this right now.”

“Jaxton–”

“I’m _with somebody,_ Johnny–”

“Said it yourself that it was complicated–”

“That doesn’t give you the right to–” Jaxton cut herself off with a frustrated groan, shaking her head. This couldn’t be happening, this seriously couldn’t be fucking happening. After so long, after getting together with River, _now_ was the fucking time that Johnny chose to tell her this? “Why the fuck did you never say anything before? Would’ve made shit simpler.”

“You mean…?” Johnny gave her a look of disbelief, already understanding what Jaxton was saying. Guess now was the best time as ever to tell him, she supposed. Her eyes were full of disappointment as she shrugged, her voice quiet when she spoke.

“It’s like you said, we spent a long fuckin’ time together.” God, this whole fucking time. _Fuck._ “Shit, Johnny, after I got with River, it just seemed like you never cared.”

“‘Course I did, but I told you, I’m bad at this shit. And I didn’t fuckin’ know _that,”_ Johnny quickly defended himself, now acting as surprised as Jaxton was. “Jaxton, I… fuck. Guess I was a gonk, huh?”

“Still are,” Jaxton agreed, a sad look on her face. Jesus, she couldn’t believe this shit. As if things weren’t complicated enough as it is. 

“Look, I…” Johnny started to talk again, the two of them seeming unsure of where to go from here. “Shit’s fucked, I get it, and everything with you and River is fucked, too. But I gotta know.”

“Know what?"

“Him or me.” Jaxton swore her breath caught in her throat at Johnny’s words, the woman sitting up a bit straighter. “You gotta tell me.”

“Johnny, I can’t–” 

“I know, okay, Jaxton? I fuckin’ know. Listen, you can go and try to fix whatever the hell’s goin’ on between you and River or you can try it out with me instead, it’s your choice. But just… tell me, for fuck’s sake. Please.”

Jesus, when did Jaxton ever hear Johnny Silverhand of all people use the word “please?” It was jarring to hear him say it, but her thoughts more so drifted towards what Johnny said about fixing her relationship with River.

Because at this point, what _was_ there to even fix?

Sometimes it felt like River and Jaxton weren’t even dating. It had been fine at the start, but now, it wasn’t the same. And she didn’t want to be doing that, faking everything and holding River back. What he said to her the other day, it sounded like he almost wanted things to end, too.

And maybe that was what was meant to happen. River was a good guy, he deserved someone who really loved him, someone that he could really love back. It didn’t mean that they couldn’t be friends, but why waste their time like this?

And now Johnny… fuck, the way he was talking right now, his voice containing a small trace of anger but sounding much more dejected instead, still brought Jaxton back to that day at the oil fields. She could feel how upset he was over how his remains had been treated in the end. And with the way that he had talked about everything, all the bad shit he’d done, how hard he was trying to keep things good with her, how he couldn’t believe that she hadn’t gotten sick of him yet… 

Jaxton never wanted to kiss him so badly.

And at Mikoshi, when she was so fucking scared that she was gonna die, that something could go wrong, she wanted to kiss him, to tell him everything. And when she saw him for the first time in his new body, finally getting the second chance he deserved, she wanted to kiss him then, too.

It was like another set of cycles, Jaxton always wanting to kiss him but never having the courage to fucking do it. But now?

She was going to break that cycle.

Jaxton closed the space between her and Johnny, their lips making contact—fucking _finally_ —as Jaxton put one hand on Johnny’s shoulder and the other on the upper right side of his neck. Johnny reacted immediately, pushing his mouth back against hers and bringing his silver hand up so that he could run it through her black hair. 

He tasted slightly of smoke and the oakiness of the whiskey and Jaxton _adored_ it. For the first time in a while, she felt like she was doing something right.

“Johnny…” Jaxton gasped out once they broke off, the two of them catching their breaths from the intensity of the kiss. She didn’t have a chance to say anymore, though, as Johnny immediately pressed their lips together again. Jaxton wrapped her arms around Johnny’s neck this time, leaning back slightly as Johnny wrapped his organic arm around her back.

After a few more seconds, they separated once again, leaning their foreheads against one anothers’ and gasping for air.

“Don’t think I need to spell it out for you, huh?” Jaxton breathed out, breaking their silence as the corners of her lips turned upwards.

“Dunno, might need a little more convincin’,” Johnny told her. Jaxton pulled back slightly and opened her eyes, looking at the smirk on Johnny’s face and the bright look in his eyes. It was the same one she had seen when he had gotten his body and they were in the same room again and _fuck,_ how did Jaxton not realize it sooner?

“You’re an asshole, Johnny. You know that?” Jaxton asked, a smile growing on her face. She brought her right hand up to the back of his head, running her fingers through his soft hair. God, she’d wanted to do that for so damn _long._

“Yeah, but you love me for it.” 

And as they kissed once more, sparks practically flying in Jaxton’s vision, she knew that she couldn’t argue there.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! if you want to find out how you can get a fic like this gifted to you, come check out my tumblr, mollyinthewater.tumblr.com, or my cyberpunk 2077 sideblog, burning-samurai.tumblr.com.
> 
> have a good day <3


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